Helping an Aging Parent Stay Safe: Adjusting to New Responsibilities and Opportunities

“Recently I’ve noticed that Mom is slipping a bit: she forgets things she used to remember easily, wears clothes that aren’t clean or mismatched, and needs help with her checkbook and bill payments. I want to help, but the idea of ​​being a parent , my parents feel uncomfortable and even a little scared. I don’t want to irritate mom, but I know that I have to start supervising her activities more so that she stays safe and secure.”

Although the process of children taking on parenting roles with their parents has been going on for most of human history, this fact is not very reassuring for people who have to face the problem now. Recognizing that our parents are declining and becoming more dependent on us for health and safety can be very difficult and stressful. After all, mom and dad were always there to take care of us and support us through the tough times and tough decisions. How can it be that our “base” is disappearing and a reversal of roles is taking place before our very eyes?

Unfortunately, the transition from being a child to taking on a parenting role with parents can be difficult. There are many reasons for this.

o Parents are often unwilling to acknowledge that they need help, especially from the children they have raised. It can be just as difficult for parents to transition into childlike or dependent roles as it is for their children to be more fatherly to them.

o Unresolved issues and negative emotions from decades ago can often surface due to change in relationship from more distant or diffuse where parents are more independent and children manage their own lives to much more intimate where children must supervise the activities of the day to day. from his parents

o Knowing when and how to intervene in parents’ lives can be challenging and frustrating for their children. If children move too slowly to take on more responsibility for their parents, their health or safety may suffer, while moving too quickly can damage their parents’ trust and foster dependency when it may not be necessary.

o Children who live a long distance from their parents may not be able to provide direct supervision. This creates feelings of guilt in children who don’t think they can do enough and also in parents who think their children already have too much to do for them.

There are helpful steps children of aging parents can take to make their transition to parenting more manageable and less stressful. Most elder care experts agree that doing nothing to address emerging care issues will only delay the inevitable for children and may put their parents at risk. On the contrary, taking definite and measurable steps to properly identify parents’ needs and instigate appropriate actions or interventions will often help children gain more confidence in their abilities to help their parents. It will also relieve parents’ anxiety because they will understand what is being done to help them and why, and it will ensure that they do not lose all independence in their lives.

Steps children of aging parents can take to help them cope with declining physical and mental abilities and overall quality of life include:

o Do not accept the idea that you are going to raise your parents. Parents have decades of experience and knowledge and the pride of a lifetime’s accomplishments behind them. It may be helpful to use techniques that you have used with your children or that you know your parents used with you to redirect the behavior. However, treat your parents with respect and as adults who need help.

o Help your parents focus on the things they can still do well while acknowledging the things they can no longer do without help. Find activities or responsibilities that your parents can do safely to maximize their independence and sense of control.

o Try to deal with any unresolved issues or negative emotions that may be interfering with your ability to help your parents. Talk to your parents about these issues and emotions if you can, or seek the help of a counselor or support group to help you deal with the discomfort and emotional pain.

o Accurately assess the needs of their parents and identify interventions that address those needs with the least amount of disruption. If you are unsure how to do this, seek the help of professionals such as senior care managers or social workers who can diagnose problem areas and recommend appropriate actions.

o If you are unable to help your parents because you live out of town or have other responsibilities, use the services of an appropriate home care agency that can help your parents while reducing your level of stress and worry. Home health agencies come in various forms, ranging from home health and companion services to home health agencies that provide nursing and rehabilitative care. You can choose the service based on the level of care your parents need.

A good rule of thumb is to act on your intuition. If you think your parent has refused to the point of needing extra help and supervision, you’re probably right. Also, remember that you are not alone in caring for your aging and declining parent and there are resources available to help.