Praising good behavior: what’s wrong with saying good girl or good boy?
We know that in child development, we must criticize the action, not the actor. Telling a boy that he is a bad girl or boy is avoided because it is detrimental to the child’s sense of self-worth. The comment, You are bad, You’re naughty, You’re stupid, little by little leaves its mark on the identity of the child. Rather, we say that certain behavior is useless or harmful, disruptive or destructive, not that the child is bad for exhibiting the behavior. Similarly, we should not attribute negative motives to the child. Calling a child’s actions malicious, vindictive, or thoughtless is another way, a little more subtle but no less damaging for that, of condemning the child rather than his behavior.
We should apply the same principles to behavior considered good. Praising the child instead of his behavior is equally useless for the child; it is the other side of the same coin. Rather we should praise the behavior.
Very often, the behavior is commendable not because of its intrinsic value, but because the praised behavior is simply what the parent or caregiver wants the child to do. The only “good” quality of the behavior is that you are doing what you are told. Is this really good? I can think of many contexts where doing what you are told is far from good behavior. In an extreme example, it was the defense of Nazi war criminals, rejected by the Nuremberg court. In more everyday contexts, doing what you are told is usually commendable only by the authorities giving the order. Doing what the boss says may help you keep your job, but it is not good in and of itself.
Doing what you are told can easily violate other principles, such as acting according to your best interests, acting according to your values, acting according to the principle of the greater good, or any other value or principle. If it’s good at all, doing what you’re told is pretty low on the list of goods. Praising a child for doing what we say, and as is often the case, doing it repeatedly, reinforces the message that obedience is a much more valuable principle than most of us realize.
On much less common occasions when behavior deemed good is praised not because the child is obeying a directive but, for example, when the behavior is helpful to another person, or shows thoughtfulness, skill, or intelligence, tell the child that it is well it’s remarkably useless. If the behavior is reflective, better say: That was a very thoughtful thing to do.; if it was useful, say, That was a very useful thing to do. … I think you get the idea. Being specific about the quality of an action is much more helpful to the child than the vague description of well. The vague and indiscriminate use of the word actually undermines the concept.
Also, calling the child good for certain behaviors makes the adult the arbiter of what is good and what is not good. It is better for the child to learn through the guidance and consequences of his behavior and determine for himself what is good or not. What is good behavior or not, I suggest, relates to the consequences of the behavior. The behavior is neither good nor bad in itself.
It is certainly true that children have to do what they are told, much more often than they would like. Without a doubt, it is good for us and for them that they do what the adults tell them. But easy acquiescence or submission is not a sign of good character. Praising the behavior we would say, for example, Washing the dishes was very helpful, thank you.; gold, I really appreciated when you said ‘thank you’. Identify commendable behavior and state what was commendable about it.
The word well It is not a neutral description; it has a moral dimension. In fact, the moral dimension is the largest part of the concept of good. When a child is called Good Guy gold girl, your soul is being praised.
What is the implication when the child does not do what the parent or caregiver wants him to do? What is the result when the behavior that would have been declared good does not manifest itself and she receives disapproval instead of praise? If the child does what the father wants, it is good; when the child does what he wants the child is bad. At least she’s not good. What a conflict for a child. What I want is not good; what the caregiver wants is good: what should I do? Either way, I feel bad. Doing good is equivalent to feeling bad. Very confusing. From this perspective, the world seems very complicated and unwelcoming.
In fact, it often happens that a child who has just been described as good does something bad, without any apparent provocation. This is very confusing for the caregiver who has just praised the soul of the child. But the boy is showing honesty. She knows she is not good. Remember all those bad things you have done, many of which the caregiver does not even know. The good description is undeserved. You better prove this right away; it is honest to do so. It would be bad to accept this compliment when she doesn’t deserve it. So she does something that is both good and bad: good because it is a show of honesty; bad because it is a deliberately negative act of evil. All of this confusion would have been avoided if the behavior had been praised, rather than the person.
Of course, the child’s non-compliant behavior can be infuriating to parents, and parents can express this. But the message is not that the child is bad for not doing what the father wants and good when he does what the father wants, but that the father is exasperated when he does not do what the father wants. This is a completely different message. It may be helpful for the child to accept the wishes of the parents, because there are consequences for disobeying. But the problem is not moral and has nothing to do with the morality of the child. Parental and social expectation should not be confused with morality. Self-esteem should not depend on conformity and obedience.
c) Jonathan Livingstone July 29, 2010