Mom, are you guilty of turning your daughter into your sister-friend?
Evelyn and her daughter, Tina, are sixteen years apart. You look like sisters. Dress up as brides. Hang out in some of the same places. And once, by accident, they dated the same guy, though not at the same time. Evelyn loves hanging out with her daughter’s friends and getting them to admire her as her cool, hip mom. They talk to her about everything. She will occasionally indulge them with a date of her own.
Evelyn is in the middle of transition. She is getting out of one relationship and trying to start another. She just started a new job. She is moving to a new city. And she’s going to be thirty-five at the end of the month. Tina is going through her own transition. She is getting used to the idea of living in a new city with new friends and a new school. There are so many things she wants to talk about, so many things to figure out. Tina really needs a mother right now, but instead she has a sister-friend. Evelyn is too caught up in her own world to realize that her daughter needs her.
When we place unfair expectations on our children or use them to validate our needs, we set them up to take on more than they can handle. Not to mention we’re blurring the lines. While one of the great things about having older children is their ability to handle more complex problems. It’s important that you don’t confuse an older child’s ability to behave maturely with being one of her peers. Children of all ages want and need limits. Our children need us to be their parents, not one of their homies.
Evelyn made the mistake of placing inappropriate expectations on her daughter. As a result, her daughter is confused and overexposed.
Sometimes when it’s just you and the kids and you haven’t created enough of a life for yourself, you start to depend on your kids for companionship and emotional support. You don’t mean to blur the lines, but as time goes by and your life takes on a predictable routine, it happens. But the downside of this is that you put so much emotional weight on your kids, that you rob them of their right to just be kids: develop their own sense of identity, understand age-appropriate behavior, and expand their social world.
The key to relating to your children in an age-appropriate way is balance. It’s not about losing your sense of closeness with your child. It’s about remembering that no matter how mature your child or teen seems, they still need you to be the parent.
Here are some practical tips:
1. Sometimes it can be hard to see your blind spots as a parent, so it might help to talk to friends and family who have seen you interact with your children. Ask for their comments. If they offer constructive suggestions, take them into consideration.
2. The next time you find yourself blurring the lines, look at the situation objectively and keep your child’s best interests at the forefront of your mind.
3. Do some deep reflection and try to figure out what is causing you to place so much emotional weight on your children. Are you satisfied with your own relationships and the life you have created for yourself? If not, consider what you need to do to create a more satisfying life – Develop new interests? Meet new people? Spend more time with people your age? If necessary, seek professional advice to help you resolve these issues.
Copyright 2008 by Cassandra Mack. All rights reserved.