Irreversible

My husband had two adventures last year. I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating now, and we’re seeing a marriage counselor. Much has changed since I knew what I was doing. He put our property in my name and bought me a $ 12,000 diamond ring.

He is loving to me most of the time. I think this is proof that he loves me. The problem is, I also have proof that he doesn’t love me because he had affairs. So I have proof that she loves me and proof that she doesn’t love me.

Our marriage counselor tells me that her affair is a thing of the past and I agree. The problem with the past is that a second later everything is in the past. For me, saying it’s in the past is just a way of making excuses for anything. You could do just about anything and then say it’s in the past.

If you drive drunk and kill someone, can you tell it’s in the past? The fact that you are no longer driving drunk can never bring that person back to life. It may be in the past, but it has certainly destroyed the future. That’s the problem.

The therapist wants to focus on the present and the future, and consider the matter in the past. If this is a way forward, then my husband can do almost anything to me and then be forgiven. You may even plan to do something and tell yourself later that it will be in the past.

The fact that something happened before and is not happening now is not a good reason to think that it will not happen again. For me, because something happened in the past, it is more reasonable to believe that it will happen again. After all, if he hadn’t cheated, there would be no cheating in the past and no reason to say “leave it in the past.”

Kayla

Kayla, your logic is correct and your therapist’s reasoning is wrong. As human beings, we have to forecast our future to understand what we should do today. Her prognosis for the future has changed because her husband has sex with other women.

Your trap is not in the past, because you can do it again. But there is one thing that is in the past. That one thing is fidelity in your marriage. Fidelity, the unbreakable marriage vow, is in the past. It is gone and cannot be recovered.

Texas Justice

Yesterday I caught my girlfriend of two years in bed with my now ex-friend. I walked in and caught them on the spot. After beating him up, I told my girlfriend to come to our house and wait for me. When he got home, the question he kept asking is, “Why?” She says she doesn’t know why.

We went to see a counselor that same day. I told him we could work this out, but after falling asleep I’m not sure I want to. I guess you could sign me “Tricked in Texas.”

Roy

Roy, most people who sleep because of a problem wake up just as confused as the night before. But over the course of one night, she gained the information she needed to understand the end of their relationship.

Why are you going to work? Why are you paying your bills? Why are you blocking your truck in a bad neighborhood? You know why.

When someone is caught doing what they know is wrong, the classic first response is, “I don’t know why.” Why are there so many “innocent” people in jail? Because once you admit guilt, you must suffer the consequences. If you claim to be innocent, there is a possibility that you will escape justice.

Ultimately why it doesn’t matter. What he did ended the relationship. What he did trumps why he did it.

Tamara

Direct Answers: Column for the week of November 15, 2004