Compare me to your ex!
Liz is sick and tired of her boyfriend comparing her to her ex. She feels that she cannot match the image that she has, in her mind, of her ex-girlfriend, whom she almost married.
Whenever Liz cooks a meal for her boyfriend, she meets her friends and family for the first time and even when they make love to each other, she feels like they are judging and rating her. Her skills, her body and looks, her sense of humor, and her ability in bed never seem to match her boyfriend’s ex.
This relationship is important to Liz. She had never felt this way about a boy before. Most of her past relationships have been total and utter failures, leaving her with scars. This one seems different, except for the fact that the “ghost” of her boyfriend’s ex (alive and well) is always present and keeps coming between them.
Let’s compare.
We all do it from time to time.
Parents sometimes compare their children. Employers often compare their employees. When you go to a movie or watch a TV show, you probably compare it to others of a similar genre that you have seen.
The comparison also occurs in a love relationship or in a marriage. Your partner may give you subtle clues that he or she is evaluating you in a particular way and rates how you compare to other women. In fact, you could do the same with him. How many times have you seen or heard about another man who ravages his wife with a romantic gesture and then thinks, “My man never does that kind of thing for me!”
While there are a number of comparisons that inevitably continue, when you are aware that your partner regularly compares you to their ex, this can be devastating. It can generate jealousy, conflict, and estrangement in your relationship.
Talking to him about it may seem counterproductive to you in the past. Perhaps your man claimed he was “making it up” or even called him “crazy.” As a result, you may have stopped voicing your objections to being compared to their ex and tried to ignore how hurt you feel.
If so, how is it working for you? (Probably not too good).
Be wise and really listen.
One thing you have to do when it seems like your partner is comparing you to their ex is to make it clear. Take a symbolic step back and invite yourself to really listen to what your partner is saying. What are his actual words or actions that seem (or literally) compare you to his ex?
It could be that he is clearly making judgments about you in relation to his ex. It could also be that you are misinterpreting what you are saying or that your own insecurities are clouding your perspective. It could also be a combination of these and more.
Just take the time to be very clear about what is really going on. I also encourage you to be wise. If she’s actually comparing you to her ex and she might still be in contact with her, this might be something you need to pay more attention to.
Make requests without blame or judgment.
If your partner compares you to his ex, you can ask him to stop. The trick here is to make your request without blame, judgment, or hostility. All of this will put even more distance and tension between the two of you.
Use an “sorry” statement to let you know what is true for you when you compare. For example, you could say, “I feel inferior / less than / like I’m not attractive to you … when you compare me to your ex.”
You don’t have to do it wrong or “bad”. He may not realize that this habit of hers is having this effect on you. What you probably want to do is let him know that you feel hurt when he does this.
Together, the two of you could come up with new ways to talk about what each of you wants and needs in the relationship. If, for example, he would like you to be more adventurous in bed, suggest that he make that request outright … not to mention what he and his ex used to do when they made love.
This isn’t the most comfortable kind of conversation to have with your partner, but when you really listen to each other and come to a resolution that works for both of you, all kinds of barriers to relationship connection go away.