Building Self-esteem, Self-Responsibility and Self-efficacy

Self-responsibility reflects and generates self-esteem. People with high self-esteem feel like they are in charge of their lives. They have a sense of agency and self-efficacy. They take responsibility for their feelings, actions, and lives. It also means that you take responsibility for the consequences of your choices and behaviors, both positive and negative outcomes, rather than blaming yourself or others. It requires a desire to review and learn from your mistakes in order to seek solutions and improvements.

Unlike girls, boys in adolescence are naturally competitive and aggressive, fostering their autonomy and sense of agency. Girls’ self-esteem begins to suffer from the age of nine and, in adolescence, they fall behind. Feelings of helplessness and the need for external validation, especially in regards to appearance, increase, while self-esteem declines. While boys generally tend to challenge authority more than girls, if girls are discouraged from taking risks or pursuing goals, they may develop an “I can’t” attitude instead of an “I can.” Over time, these young women can develop a passive attitude towards life. This lack of agency and self-esteem can eventually lead to depression.

The cornerstone of building self-confidence requires accepting responsibility for one’s own unhappiness and problems. Only then can they be changed. A survey showed that lottery winners eventually returned to their original state of well-being. Winning the lottery or finding the perfect man provides only a temporary euphoria. Ultimately, it is self-esteem and our thoughts and actions that determine our sense of well-being.

The problem is that when self-esteem is low, it’s painful to take responsibility. People prefer to make excuses and blame others since they already feel so bad. This is really upsetting to those around them and creates relationship problems.

Sandy* would always procrastinate and turn in her work late with a myriad of excuses, which annoyed her boss. When she was reprimanded, she resented her boss, blaming him, while her self-loathing grew. By encouraging her to take responsibility for her behavior and exploring her fears and self-criticism that fueled her procrastination, she was able to change her habits. She discovered her own empowerment and began to feel good about herself, and she also earned the appreciation of her boss.

Self-responsibility does not imply moral reproach or guilt, but it should encourage a curious inquiry into how and why your life is the way it is. Look for solutions. Ask what assumptions, beliefs, or attitudes motivated their choices and behavior, and what actions can be taken in the future.

Avoiding self-responsibility puts you in the role of a helpless victim, hoping that others will change so that you feel better. That never works in the long run, because we can’t change others, and even their adaptation to our needs only provides a temporary boost. The other extreme: Feeling responsible for everything that happens to you can also damage your self-esteem. Blaming yourself for every accident, illness, and mishap takes an unrealistic level of control. You are also not responsible for another person’s abusive behavior, but you are responsible for your response to it. Instead of asking why he did this, ask yourself, “What beliefs do I have that allow me to allow this?” “What limits do I set?” “How can I better protect myself?” “What can happen if I don’t change my answer?”

Ask yourself what would be different if you took responsibility for your happiness, your financial security, your safety, and your physical health. What are the benefits of not taking responsibility for your health, finances, goals, emotions, and relationships? You probably feel better about yourself in areas where you are more responsible to yourself. You feel effective, raising your self-esteem. It will be less in the areas where you are less responsible.

Mary* complained about the series of men in her life who took advantage of her sexually and financially. Instead of changing her behavior and her choices, she turned to family and friends who were equally selfish, perpetuating her pattern. When she finally realized that no one was going to rescue her, she began to change for the better. She took responsibility for herself and found strength from it. Having been severely abused as a child, she was convinced that no one could love her. Her grieving her past and experiencing her anger toward her perpetrators helped her leave the stop by recreating her family dynamic.

People feel more effective when they take action, and action-oriented people tend to have higher self-esteem. They act regardless of how they feel. They don’t passively wait for things to change or wait for others to change their lives. Although self-awareness of thoughts and feelings is important, if it gets ahead of action, it can undermine self-efficacy and ultimately self-esteem. Note that action requires directed attention to solving a problem and includes writing in a journal, expressing feelings, making a list, getting information, writing a letter, thinking about a problem, making a statement or decision, or even changing your attitude. .

Think of an area of ​​your life where your self-esteem is low. How could you take more responsibility for yourself? What specific small step would build a greater sense of self-efficacy and make you feel better about yourself?

*Names are fictitious composite personalities

Copyright, Darlene Lancer, MFT 2010

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