7 ways to cultivate love in your life
Most of us are looking for someone to love us or to love us. We don’t think about cultivating self-love or realize that love originates from within. You may be looking for a relationship, but research suggests that singles are actually happier than married people, with the exception of happily married people. But even that diminishes over time. A new study shows that, on average, after the first year, spouses return to their initial state of happiness before marriage. So, similar to the conclusions reached in studies done on lottery winners, after marriage and after winning, we eventually come back to how happy we are as individuals.
Self esteem matters. Research has well established that it is an important factor in the health and happiness of a marriage. Low self-esteem can prevent us from reaping the rewards of love in a relationship.
In fact, the level of our self-esteem before a relationship can predict its longevity.
We think of ourselves based on things we were told, incorrect inferences, and false beliefs informed by the trauma and upbringing we received. These learned beliefs, defenses, and habits are not who we are, they are not our natural, authentic selves. How can we get it back?
cultivating love
Cultivating self-love is a worthwhile effort for ourselves and for happy relationships. Science has proven these remarkable benefits associated with love:
Better stress management
sleep better
Better heart health
longer lives
Improved self esteem
greatest happiness
Lower risk of depression
We are all born innocent and worthy of love. Our flaws, mistakes, and things that happened affected us, but they are not who we are inherently. When we carry shame, we can self-sabotage the very love we seek. Once we understand this, we can begin to change our concept of ourselves and nurture our real selves.
Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds.
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Love is like a garden that we need to fertilize and cultivate. In order to fully give and receive love, we must first pull out the weeds that sabotage it. We avoid invasive pests in the form of toxic relationships and welcome animals that protect and help our garden grow.
cultivate self-acceptance
What we resist persists. When we don’t accept ourselves, we strengthen a negative self-concept. Low self-esteem reinforces itself, making change and self-acceptance difficult. Paradoxically, when we accept our flaws, it’s easier to let them go.
Self-acceptance is greater than self-esteem, and self-acceptance paves the way for self-love. It means honoring and accepting ourselves completely, including our flaws, appearance, mistakes, and feelings. Learn to stop self-criticism and Raise your Self-esteem.
forgive yourself
What we did is not who we are. Remaining in self-blame and self-condemnation is harmful. On the other hand, guilt can motivate us to change and get closer to others. Great healing is possible with confession, self-forgiveness, and making amends. Overcoming guilt frees us from the past and the person we once were. It paves the way for transformation, wholeness, self-respect, and self-love.
Love is indivisible. It’s hard to love ourselves when we harbor hate towards another person. Also, resentment towards ourselves or others keeps us stuck. When we forgive others, we feel freer and better about ourselves. Similarly, as we develop self-compassion and forgive ourselves, we become more tolerant and compassionate towards others. There are specific steps and stages in forgiveness. Follow them in Freedom from Guilt and Blame: Finding Self-Fgiveness.
cultivate self esteem
After pulling weeds, we must nurture our garden with self-worth. Our mind does not distinguish between praise from others or our own words and thoughts. Do you focus on your flaws and deny or take your positive attributes for granted? Take inventory of your strengths, accomplishments, loving qualities, acts of bravery, and your desire to give, love, and grow. Practice appreciating yourself and others. Each day write down three things you did well and qualities about yourself that you or others appreciate. Focus on the positive, instead of the negative. It takes time and consistency to replace bad habits with life-affirming ones.
self expression
Whether it’s from growing up in a dysfunctional family system or trauma later in life, when we deny painful emotions, we actually block out positive ones as well. When we block out pain, we cannot feel joy. We close our hearts and number ourselves. Repressing feelings is a way of rejecting ourselves that can lead to depression and can cause health problems and illness. We develop self-love when we express our feelings, needs and desires. Negative feelings dissolve and positive ones multiply. We are liberated and have more energy to keep going.
Cultivating love through action
When we ignore, hide, or dismiss our needs and wants, we become irritable, resentful, and unhappy. But meeting our needs and desires are essential ways to cultivate self-love that lift our spirits. It is key to happiness that calms and revitalizes us. Conversely, when we act in ways contrary to our values, such as lying or stealing, we undermine our self-esteem. Doing worthy acts raises our self-esteem. We are capable of raising our heads and feeling served with respect and love. Do random acts of kindness that you can add to your “did it right” list.
Cultivating Gratitude
Gratitude is a high vibration that opens our hearts. It has been scientifically proven to be curative. Practice gratitude by finding things in your life and in the world to be grateful for, even when you don’t feel them. Write a daily thank you list and read it to someone.
self love visualizations
You can improve love with visualization. Inhale and exhale from the center of your chest. Imagine that it opens like a door or a flower. Imagine pink or green light going in and out as you breathe. Focus on beauty and the things you are grateful for. Say loving affirmations. (Listen to my Self-Love Mediation.) Send this love to those you care about, yourself, those in need, and the planet.
The above steps open your heart. Practice expressing love and compassion in all aspects of your life to experience greater peace and joy. Learn more self-care tips.
© 2020 Darlene Lancer