Surviving a sexless marriage

I once heard a comedian say, “Sex is a misdemeanor. The weirder, the more cruel I get.” You identify? Sex does so much for the human mind, body and soul in such a short time. It’s a great tool for healing, loving, stress relieving, and even exercising. Going from having unlimited access to sex to ACCESS DENIED is a huge upset in any relationship. In a marriage, it feels like death.

Why?

That’s the number one question spouses ask when their partners are sexually disconnected. The irony is that, many times, your spouse will not give you a direct answer.

Here are five no-nonsense reasons why your marriage has gone from being full of sex to being asexual:

# 1 – Loss of attraction / chemistry. Either your partner is less attracted to you for some reason or less attractive in general. Sexy is so sexy and if your spouse doesn’t feel the magic, chances are you won’t either.

# 2 – Increased stress and life pressure. New babies, new bills, a new house, a new job, and fun money all contribute to one or both partners worrying about the brain rather than about sex. Stress kills libido. Without libido, nothing happens but the rent.

# 3 – A history of childhood / youth sexual assault or abuse. There may be problems in your spouse’s past (incest, sexual abuse, rape) that you are not aware of, but it is these exact memories / unhealed experiences that are creating negative associations with sex within your spouse. If every time you touch your partner the only thing he can think of is “Sex is bad”, sex will not happen. The healing must take place first and that is not your job; that’s for your partner to get started and work on.

# 4 – Low self-esteem, insecurity, and poor body image. Nothing will make a man or woman unable to fully participate in sex faster than a bad sense of self. If your partner is constantly preoccupied with “acting” in the bedroom, she is constantly judging herself, which is due to a lack of self-esteem and poor body image. Again, this is an inside job. Your partner has to work hard enough to love each other to know that what they offer is the best. Either way, do your best not to take it personally. This is happening because of them, not because of you. Support and encourage. That is your role.

# 5 – He or she is not attracted to your gender. Maybe he’s gay. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Perhaps he or she is heterosexual or bisexual. People tell lies and, above all, they lie to themselves, and today there are many people who live locked up, hiding their true sexuality from everyone they meet. However, what happens (or does not happen) in the bedroom never lies. Ask clear questions and pay special attention to what is NOT being said. As Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE IN THEM!”