Why do men stay in a marriage after an affair? I’ll tell you
I often get emails from women who want to know why men return home or return to their wives after an affair. Sometimes this question comes from a heartbroken lover. But most of the time, it comes from the wife. Often the wife fears that she is the consolation prize and that the husband is only coming back because he got caught or because he is comfortable in the marriage or because she doesn’t want to cause more pain. These reasons are sometimes part of the equation, but more often than not, the husband realizes what a big mistake he has made and the threat of losing everything has opened his eyes to a very dark reality, one that he wants to correct. I will discuss this more in the next article.
Cheating is often a man’s attempt to feel better about himself. He has less to do with you (or sex) than you think: If I were to ask 100 people why men cheat, I’d estimate that at least 85 of them would tell me something like “because sex is better with the other woman,” or “the passion died at home,” or “your wife didn’t appreciate it, don’t understand it, or don’t pay enough attention to it.
This is the overwhelming perception, but it is not always the reality. Many men who cheat have strong and satisfying marriages. Many have satisfying sex lives. But what he’s not happy with is usually himself. He feels older and more vulnerable. His self-esteem has gotten lower, for whatever reason. He wants to feel powerful again, like he matters or is still a contender. And she’s just in the right place at the right time when he’s most vulnerable.
Sure, sex can be exciting fun and can temporarily make you forget any doubts you had, but it almost never lasts. Soon, when the fog clears, she will realize that she was looking for relief in the wrong place, with the wrong person, and now she has created even bigger problems for herself. Sometimes she can just go back to her normal life because no one knows about the traps. But sometimes he gets caught or the lover just won’t let him go and all of a sudden his very embarrassing behavior comes out, and he has bigger issues to deal with than feeling vulnerable.
Most men will find that cheating is not going to solve their problems: At the beginning of an adventure, things are usually exciting and feel positive. And this is often because an affair does not happen in real life. She never has to pick him up, clean her dirty clothes, or reassure him that her sparse hair or other shortcomings don’t mean she’s undesirable or lovable. She still doesn’t see her flaws nor knows her fears nor has she witnessed her biggest mistakes or regrets. She has no history with him and while this may be seen as an advantage at first, it quickly becomes apparent that they are little more than strangers.
Over time, she will begin to want more of him. The weaknesses or shortcomings of both people will soon start to become more apparent, and the insecurities or hurt that she was trying so hard to hide will come back because she has done nothing to address them. Cheating on your wife isn’t really going to fix what’s wrong in your life. She’s only going to magnify it. She is just a Band-Aid. It may take a while for them to realize it, but most men will eventually see this harsh reality, and when they do, that’s when panic sets in.
When a cheating man returns to his wife, is he really sorry?: This is the million dollar question that almost all women ask ourselves. They want to know if he really wants to come home and if he is sincere with his apology or if he is just beaten up because he got caught and his heart is only half hearted. I’m sure there are men who fit this category (especially husbands who have cheated on me more than once), but most of the men who write to me really mean it. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “What was I thinking? I was a complete idiot. I’m so embarrassed by my behavior, but now I’ve potentially ruined my marriage and I can’t make my wife believe.” whatever I say.”
I am not telling you this to argue that you should forgive your husband or set him free. This is your decision. And even if you decide to save your marriage, I don’t think any man should be given a free pass. You both need to understand why he cheated and work very hard to avoid this kind of vulnerability again. He has a lot to fix and his sincere regret for his actions doesn’t deny it. He still dealt you a very difficult blow that he must correct. He probably really is, though, but he hesitates to be really honest about it because doing so often just paints him as vulnerable and insecure and these were the feelings he was trying to cover up and heal in the first place.