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Why are there no fat vampires

Have you ever wondered why you never see fat vampires in the movies?

Aside from all the love stories of teenage vampires and Hollywood exotic vampires with a European accent, I have yet to see overweight vampires. (Okay, maybe that really big one in the first Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.) Even the really crazy and ugly ones are often emaciated, stringy, or ripped with vigorous muscles. Even the beautiful fictional character, Vampirella, is incredibly strong. (But she’s from another planet, so she comes out in the daylight.)

When you think about the metabolism and lifestyle of vampires, it makes perfect sense. Usually they wake up hungry and fully motivated to hide in the shadows and pounce on unsuspecting victims. They can sometimes use the hypnotic eye trick to subdue some weak-willed humans before sinking their fangs into them.

Otherwise, there are a ton of people crawling, chasing humans, climbing buildings, breaking into places, and dodging angry vampire killers. And the hunt for humans continues in any weather. Rain, snow, sleet, fog (fog is really good), torrential rain, and hot, humid nights. They don’t take breaks, sit by the fireplace, watch TV, or hang out at the bar (although that’s a good place to meet humans). And vampires can’t just go to the store to buy junk food. They have to get their blood supply, starve, or hibernate.

And they sleep. Hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep. It’s no wonder they’re ready when they wake up. None of the vampire stories I’ve read, seen, or heard about 24-hour vampires. Being hypersensitive to sunlight, they had to strictly work the night shift and sleep all day. So even after the longest night of stalking and chasing prey and sometimes fighting and eluding some humans for revenge, the vampire still had plenty of time for nap. Often more than 12 hours in a row. Exercise, eat, sleep. Three ingredients of a long life were present in the vampire lifestyle.

And you’ve never heard of one of them eating junk food, candy, cakes, or high-sugar breakfast cereals, smoking cigarettes, or drinking soda or alcohol, did you? (Well, the vampire played by Colin Farrell in the 2011 remake of Night of scares had a beer.) No, it was a strict diet of iron-rich blood, lots of exercise fighting in the dark, and deep sleep. That’s probably why undead beings never had to visit the dentist or doctor unless the vampires were going for a snack.

Now I am not advocating that kind of lifestyle, especially late at night and blood consumption. Unless you have a photophobia or a condition like XP (xeroderma pigmentosum), you will miss out on the benefits of sunlight. Drinking blood is dangerous as blood can carry pathogens, is difficult to digest, and contains too much iron (which causes hemochromatosis) that can damage internal organs. And all that lurking in the dark and attacking people will make you unpopular and maybe land you in jail.

But I fully support natural and functional physical exercises, deep breathing, body alignment, and various other factors that the vampire lifestyle can replicate.

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