How to be a good mourner
Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others. -Winston Churchill, 1874-1965
Why do some people mourning the death of a loved one experience less unnecessary suffering than others? What do you think or do that helps you get through some of the toughest changes life has to offer? How can they grow through their losses and adjust to a different life, a new life without the physical presence of loved ones?
There are many reasons for the differences. They range from their early life experiences and the patterns of grievance they were exposed to, as well as their conscious and unconscious beliefs. I’d like to suggest five coping techniques that bode well for handling big losses and reducing the intensity of pain and suffering. They are based on my 40 years of helping the bereaved and are often overlooked in overwhelming sadness.
1. Date successful mourners. Start by looking for friends who have experienced great loss. Ask them if you could talk to them about how they handled various parts of the experience that are more difficult for you. Ask specific questions about how they adapted. Take what you feel is useful and let go of the rest. Realize the critical importance of social interaction, especially interaction with those who are in different places in your complaints work. Make it a priority to find a trusted complaint partner.
It may be important for you to join a grievance support group. In all the years I’ve led these groups, often in the evaluations at the end of the final session, someone will say how helpful it was to be with other people who were grieving different losses. They learned a lot from each other and often made friends with others in a group they had never met before. Some formed smaller groups to go out for lunch or dinner regularly after the support group ended. All this is good morning. Remember, we never outgrow our need for others.
2. Let the emotion flow through you and out. This can be done in different ways. Let the tears flow whenever they choose to come. Apologize if you learned early in life that crying is wrong and you are embarrassed. (Actually, crying is pure coping.) This means that crying for days is okay. It means talking about your anger and finally forgiving. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself as you suffer more by holding on to anger. It blocks your ability to develop crucial new habits.
Letting emotion flow through you also means becoming aware of your fears. Fear is often a hidden emotion that most mourners don’t want to deal with. What are your fears now that your loved one is not physically present? Never keep or hide that pain. Get it out so it doesn’t culminate in guilt, depression or anger and a lot of emotional pain. You can do this by speaking, writing, drawing, praying, walking, or any action of your choosing. Just don’t bury it. Let go of resistance.
3. Learn the facts of the complaint. Read credible writing. For example, many months after the death of your loved one, you may feel better. Suddenly something can trigger a full-fledged grievance response and you will think that something is wrong with you. Could not be farther from the truth. This is a very common experience. Again, allow the emotions to work through you unhindered. It is normal. And yes, it could happen years later. Read and learn as much as you can about the differences in the way people cry and you will find that there is a very wide range of normal.
4. Be open to the new. The emphasis is on the words “open” and “new.” Few like to hear these words. The tendency is to want to stay forever in what is familiar and gives a sense of certainty. Anyway, unfortunately, with that behavior you will stop growing through your grievance. However, there is no escape from having to deal with a multitude of new situations. For example, there is no way around the “year of firsts” and all that it implies. Many, many times you will face situations where your loved one would normally be with you. Now, for the first time, he must face these circumstances alone or possibly with the help of a friend. It will be different. It will be new. As much as possible, be proactive and plan how you will deal with the situation before it arises. Of course, some situations you won’t be able to plan for. Then you will be forced to be open to new experiences (get out of your comfort zone), new ideas, knowledge and meanings. Be willing to learn and change.
It will also be extremely helpful for you to be open to new ways of approaching life by finding new friends, joining organizations, finding a hobby, and volunteering, which will be a great opportunity to help others and yourself. Love and care for others can help us get through anything. And by all means, look for significant coincidences and synchronicities that have helped you cope with your loss thus far. Everyone gets some. Think of them. It can help to understand that there is a power greater than yourself that will help you get through this difficult part of life. It can open your spiritual portal to a new dimension. Faith overcomes pain and suffering.
5. Set goals and establish a new relationship with the deceased. You will always have a relationship with your loved one. That can never be removed by death. Decide how you want to relate to him or her. There is nothing wrong with talking to the person you love, celebrating a birthday or anniversary as you see fit, or dedicating something to them that you start over in their honor. You may want to have a “remember when” session at a particular family gathering.
Setting specific goals is the precursor, whether written in a notebook or your complaint journal, to seeing where you’ve been, the progress you’ve made, and when you need to update your plan and subsequent behavior. Make a to-do list for the night and a commitment to follow through with what you’ve written. Making that commitment to yourself is crucial. Review your plan at least once a week. Make additions or deletions based on what you learn from others or professionals.
6. Strive to be consistent in your adaptation plan. The repetition of new behaviors and beliefs that you have to generate will become habits in your new life. These new habits are part of the way we all have to face the continuous changes that life keeps sending us. And by all means, when you do make a mistake or two, which often happens, ignore it and go back to the new routines you’ve started. Stand firm and be sure that you will adapt to your great loss and learn from it. Millions have done it and you can too.