External validation vs. self-validation: Pickup masters always self-validate
When I start teaching my Pickup Artist students, I divide them into two categories. self-validation vs. External validation. Those who validate themselves have a very short course to learn the lessons of the social arts and how to be more attractive. Those who go through difficult times are validating themselves externally, that is, they look for other people to like them and show it.
External validation is a dangerous compass to have. It makes the budding social artist put their self-esteem and worth in the hands of other people. When that’s the case, he’s giving other people his rightful power, and it’s one of the most powerful things he can give to others.
If you seek external validation, you feel like you’re only worth something or have value if a woman decides to be with you, or if people tell you they like you. The danger of this is that you will never be completely satisfied… no one can 100% validate another person. No one can like EVERYTHING about you. Despite having positive/high value women in their lives, they will only listen to or focus on the things they say are negative about them. Even though you don’t like very few things about the person, those are the things the person listens to and focuses all their attention on.
For example, I had a student go fishing one night and he wrote a field report. In that field report, she mentioned opening 5 sets, getting 3 phone numbers, closing a kiss, and was taken away by a woman. Guess what 3/4 of his field report was about? How it was a flop and he couldn’t get over the fact that he got busted. Instead of focusing on the overall success of his evening and how he got 3 numbers and a kiss (something only 1% of men can usually pull off), he felt like a failure and a terrible person than women. they didn’t like it. because one opened unsuccessfully. He was so focused on external validation that he only focused on his flaws. He was looking for 100% validity of his openings and the opposite was a failure. Not only was a bad opening a failure… anything less than 100% success was considered a failure. A person with this compass can become depressed very quickly, and they are usually the ones who stop receiving instruction in 6 months or less.
Many men starting out in dating have this compass of validity-seeking behavior. It is one of the reasons why they are so in need of women. They seek that validation and sometimes beg or give too much of themselves to people to get that validation. They buy drinks. They offer cars and money to women they don’t even know. They tell the exotic dancers, “I’ll get you out of this. You won’t have to get naked anymore.” They live and breathe every word of the women they try to talk to, and internalize every NEGATIVE statement as if it were the written word of God. That’s too much value to give to a woman you haven’t even met yet (and haven’t even had sex with yet!)
I can tell they are looking for validation when I ask them why they want to learn to pick. “Having sex with 100 women.” I ask why they need exactly 100. They say, “to prove that I am a master pickup artist.” Then I ask the deeper questions. “What does it mean to you to be a Master Pickup Artist?” They answer many times: “Then that would prove that I can have any woman I want and that women really want me.”
Having 100 women you’ve had sex with means absolutely nothing. It just means what she does on the surface. You’ve had sex with 100 women. what a thing Being self-validating and never having sex actually has a lot more to it than any number with being a Master Pickup Artist and an alpha male. A man who is non-reactive and who doesn’t try to gain the approval of others at all is much more attractive than a man whose self-esteem depends on getting an exact number or a large number of women. A man who has a woman who adds to his self-validation is much more stable than the fragile man who will become anxious and nervous, or feel like a failure, if he doesn’t get phone numbers, kisses, or dates in one night.
Self-validation is the ability to use yourself as the compass to your success. “I opened 5 games, got 3 numbers and 1 kiss!” versus “I opened five sets and failed when one didn’t open” shows what a big difference the framework is to a man when he is validating himself versus external validation.
I recently read a quote from Carlos Xuma on Facebook. “The man who gets along best with women is the man who gets along best without them.” Simply put, men who validate themselves are more successful with women in a pure sense. For starters, those who “need” them for validation put a lot of effort into it.
I had a wingman who is technically one of the BEST PUAs out there. 177 f wraps up his claim to fame and some of the best field reporting at The Attraction Forums. However, he had never gotten past his validation seeking behavior. So when he thought he had found “The One” after going through 177 women, he realized too late that he had chosen a woman who validated him better instead of a woman who was better for him. When they moved in together, she refused to help around the house, earn money, or pursue her career, and her validation was gone. She used the validation she provided as a means of improving financial health rather than truly validating him. She learned the minimal amount of work it took in the relationship to stay financially afloat instead of entering into a mutually beneficial relationship where both people were so self-validating for themselves that being together multiplied it exponentially.
He eventually broke up with his girlfriend and got mad at the game. He gave up. He was jaded. After 177 hits, he still couldn’t find a suitable woman. But his basis for finding worthwhile people in his life was still fed up with his need for validation.
People who seek external validation are also easy to hurt. As a wingman, he is instructed to be brutally honest with his wing to help his game. You tell him his breath smells bad, when he has body odor, when he looks weak and needed on the field to help his game and success. These guys are the hardest to dodge at times because they lose status and get sad quickly when it comes to real-time constructive criticism. Once again, instead of making adjustments, they make judgments about how good and friendly you really are.
Leaving your self-esteem at the mercy of other people is putting their opinion above yours on a subject that is truly yours… your life. When men put beautiful women on a pedestal, they are letting much of their own personal worth depend on people who haven’t even proven their worth. They give more value to the opinions of these people than to the opinions of their own relatives. Would you put the value of your life in someone else’s hands before your mother’s opinion of your life? Those who seek external validation do so every day.
Some people become so dependent on these opinions that they become narcissistic. Of course, narcissists are supposed to be those people who are so inwardly focused that they fall in love with themselves. However, narcissists really are so externally validated that they will lie to keep their self-esteem inflated and will only keep people around them who validate their lies. This extreme form of external validation is so twisted that it distorts what they believe to be their personal opinion of themselves and makes it difficult for them to seek the truth in themselves. People who encounter narcissists find their loyalty constantly questioned, and find that the narcissist twists the truths and real facts so that anyone who doesn’t externally validate them is wrong or an idiot or a liar even when telling the truth. (This is why being in a relationship with a narcissist is so doomed from the start and why the divorce rate for people with this personality disorder is estimated to be high.)
So with my social art students, I use NLP and reframing to illustrate this validation-seeking framework that many men have when they start the game, and I teach them how to reverse this right away. Without this rethinking, they may end up being technically good, but ALWAYS WITH THE WRONG WOMEN and never satisfied with a beautiful woman who is the one. If you have the ability to meet many women, then you must have the ability to find several that match the characteristics you want. But if you’re externally validating, all they have to do is say the right things for a few weeks and they’ll trick you into thinking you’ve found “The One” with whom you want a long-term relationship.
Do you want to be a PUA that has hundreds of women you’ve slept with who are all the same woman and never right for you, or do you want to be a PUA that ONLY goes out and looks for positive women with the most important characteristics? do you seek and find them consistently? If you want the coach, the instruction of a coach like me who takes you to the best women is not for you. You’d better learn to play for the same night every night.
For more lessons on how to remove validation lookup behavior please visit my website listed below in my signature.